June 29, 2007
Finding my fatihful friends
Have you noticed that my friend Whim comments on almost every post I make? They’re not “throwaway” comments, either. She obviously reads what I write, thinks about it and gives relevant feedback. I don’t deserve her loyalty. I quit routinely reading blogs a while back, hers included, and I think I owe her and other friends an explanation.
I have a broad streak of odd (obsessive-compulsive?) behaviors that dictate my life. One such behavior, which I recognized a while back but have stubbornly refused to address, is my personal reward/punishment system. I have elevated procrastination to a high artform. I had it somewhat under control when I was on Prozac and seeing a therapist, but it has consumed my life since I lost those luxuries. Most of you probably think it’s humorous when I refer to my clutter, but I can assure you it is not the “normal” clutter that some of you live with. I haven’t eaten at a table in my own home in over a year because the crap piled on the table has reached such intimidating heights that I’m not even able to look at it, much less address it. There are at least two months worth of client checks scattered around my office. I really should catch up my files and log my work into my books so that I can credit the checks to the proper accounts and get them into the bank. I respond immediately if a client needs something, but things in my life that affect only me just don’t get done.
Here’s where the reward/punishment system comes in. I don’t deserve pleasant diversions in my life. There are so many “necessary” things I’ve neglected that it would be irresponsible of me to do something fun instead of some of the things that I should be doing. I haven’t earned the privilege of leisure activities. This probably doesn’t make sense to most people, but it’s how my brain works. I’ve been doing it for years, but only recognized it quite recently. It was a change it my reading habits that finally shattered my state of denial. I’ve always been a voracious reader. Even when work was going full bore and my house was always tidy I managed to read at least three or four books a week. A while back that suddenly stopped. I would pick up a book to read and find myself so distracted that the words could not hold my attention. I spent over two months trying to read a single book, never absorbing more than a page before my mind strayed to other things. I quit even trying to read, but concentrated a lot of thought on trying to understand why I had had this change of habit. I can be pretty dense when self-analysing and managed to push away the half-formed reward/punishment theory when I first started to recognize its tell-tale signs. It was there in the background though, and I found myself capturing supporting evidence as it flitted through my brain. I used to swim almost every day. It’s good for my mind and body, but mostly it’s just a pleasant thing that I enjoy. I haven’t been in the water now for almost two years. I was putting away some laundry a while back and saw my swimsuit collection. I impulsively put one on and went out to the shed to find my snorkeling gear. I was putting it in the car when I stopped short. It would be so wrong to go swimming when there were chores around the house that needed doing. I put my gear bag away and did some mindless chore instead - I think it was mopping the floors that day. What was unique about the experience was that it was the first time I’d actually acknowledged the thought process somewhere above the subliminal level while it was happening. I was denying myself pleasure because I wasn’t worthy. Mopping the floors was not enough effort to earn the privliege, of course. There are still so many things that need doing, so I still haven’t gone swimming. Other such occurences have reinforced the theory and I’m at the point now where I can no longer deny it. My life is shaped by an ugly cycle of guilt over procrastination, taken to pathological levels, shutting me out from rewards I can never earn.
I’m working on it. Baby steps. I’ve started to read again. I’m still having trouble concentrating, but I’m allowing myself a little reading time each day. I started gardening again several months ago. It was a slow start, but now I spend a few minutes in the garden every day, pulling weeds, watering, trimming shrubs. Even if my mind strays to the laundry I really should be doing, I make myself spend at least fifteen minutes out there, and I’m enjoying it more (and with less guilt) as time passes. I haven’t been swimming yet, but the quiet voice is becoming more insistent and it’s telling me I need to spend some time in the blue, whether I’ve earned it or not.
Today I realized that I’m never going to “earn” the privilege of reading blogs just because I like them. I’ve fallen into the habit of only reading what I need to read online in order to keep my blog going well enough to monetize it. How dare I use my internet time reading for pleasure instead of researching ways to “maximize” my blog! I haven’t earned that right!
No more! I’ve spent some quality time at Whim’s place this morning. It felt right and good to start there, not just because of her loyalty, but because hers is one of the blogs that brings me the most pleasure. She is painfully forthright in sharing her own difficult journey (and it is difficult indeed!) yet always manages to uplift her readers with her honesty and spirit. I like reading Whim because she is fun and informative and always makes me think. She and I have a lot in common, but she tackles her demons instead of shoving them in the corner for another day. She inspires me and she is my friend. I deserve the privilege of reading her, even if the checks aren’t in the bank yet.
I’ve made a shortlist. If you’re reading this, you’re probably on it. I can’t get to all of you in one day, but expect to start seeing me at your place again soon. I can’t make up for lost time, but I can start right here where I am. Baby steps.
Mahalo for reading.
Technorati Tags: blogs, depression, friends, guilt, procrastination, self-realization
Posted by skeet @ 1:07 pm • Just stuff
RSS feed for comments on this post.
TrackBack URI
June 29th, 2007 at 2:45 pm, Emsxiety Says:
((((Skeet))) Im glad you can see it and are doing something about it.
June 29th, 2007 at 3:16 pm, TW Says:
I should growl at you. Darn it. Enjoy yourself and the rest will come.
June 29th, 2007 at 4:59 pm, pelf Says:
“I respond immediately if a client needs something, but things in my life that affect only me just don’t get done.”
I’m also like that. I jump when somebody needs assistance to get things done, but my own life is just, well, messy..
June 29th, 2007 at 5:11 pm, Jenny-up the hill Says:
Oh Skeet…it is so wonderful of you to share your feelings about this. I can relate to what you’re saying and I’m glad that you are starting to do some things that you enjoy. We all need to do that don’t we? Thanks for sharing from your heart…you’re a neat person!
June 29th, 2007 at 6:24 pm, Tammie Says:
Skeet, I don’t comment often, but I do read your blog all the time. Why? Because I always learn something from you. You’re smart, thoughtful, and refreshingly honest. And yes, you DO deserve whatever little pleasures you allow yourself.
June 30th, 2007 at 6:20 am, Lisa Says:
Skeet, you made me all teary eyed. If you need any one of us to help you, you gotta let us know!
June 30th, 2007 at 9:53 pm, skeet Says:
Mahalo, Em. I appreciate your support. I’m working on it!
June 30th, 2007 at 9:56 pm, skeet Says:
TW, i wish I could incorporate the positive steps you’ve been taking into my own life, but that doesn’t seem to be the path for me right now. I appreciate you, though, and the attitude-building stuff you’ve been sharing. Some of it’s bound to wear off on me, hm?
June 30th, 2007 at 9:58 pm, skeet Says:
We can be proud of our responses to others Pelf. We need to treat ourselves just as well, but that’s easier said than done, isn’t it?
June 30th, 2007 at 9:59 pm, skeet Says:
Mahalo, Jenny. I was in an unburden-your-soul place yesterday. I guess we have to do that sometimes.
June 30th, 2007 at 10:00 pm, skeet Says:
Mahalo, Tammie. No need to lurk - I hardly ever bite! I really apprecaite your kind words.
June 30th, 2007 at 10:01 pm, skeet Says:
Mahalo, Lisa. I really appreciate your friendship.
July 2nd, 2007 at 9:17 am, Jules Says:
The first step is recognizing it right? You’re on the right track, and you deserve pleasure Skeet. Good luck with your journey.
July 2nd, 2007 at 10:39 am, TW Says:
Ha, positive steps? What would those be exactly?
July 2nd, 2007 at 7:39 pm, skeet Says:
Mahalo, Jules. I’m actually “working a plan” this time, trying to get out of my rut.
July 2nd, 2007 at 7:39 pm, skeet Says:
Ah, TW! You haven’t got the market cornered on positivity!
July 6th, 2007 at 3:00 pm, Cass Says:
word, word, word and WORD. I think this is the post you meant.
You know I’ve quit reading blogs, too. Here’s my anal-retentive compulsive punishment reasoning: I have blogs in my reader that I don’t enjoy, that I feel like I “should” read for whatever reason, mostly professional, and since I can’t keep up with all 200 hundred in there, I don’t read any. THIS NIGHT, Skeeterbess, I’m pruning my reader back to the blogs I love, and I’m going to read them.
We are giving, loving, wonderful people, and through my tears I say we don’t deserve to be treated like this. Not by anyone else, and most damn certainly not by our own selves.
July 6th, 2007 at 3:16 pm, skeet Says:
I’m thinking that you understand why I cried when I read your post. Love you, my friend.
July 6th, 2007 at 3:24 pm, Cass Says:
Umm, yeah. Yeah I do.
Oh, and love you too.