September 16, 2008

More fun with words

Y’all know I love to play with words. I’ve had ongoing games of Scrabulous since I first found the site a few months ago. JenX and I spend a day or two on each game, depending on the amount of time we each have to devote to it, then start a new game as soon as each game finishes. I compose painfully bad limmericks and puns for the sheer joy of bending words to my will. Don’t ask - I won’t share them. I introduced you to Wordle, where the beauty of words is translated into visual art. I’ve probably mentioned a website that I think is called There Their. I can’t find the link, so if you know what I’m talking about and can hook me up, please do. (Allow me to pause for a moment of silence in memory of all the great bookmarks I lost when my computer succumbed to a virus.) EDIT: Found it! ThereTheir.com

I appreciate the beauty of well-chosen words. Poor grammar and spelling annoy me, but the humor that can emerge for mangled English does not escape me. Today I found a new website that shines a spotlight on crimes against language: Wordsplosion [sic] - Showcasing the best of the worst of the wide world of words. The temptation is to quote some of the misquotes on the site or to do screen caps of a couple of the photos that illustrate them, the better to tempt you into visiting. I just can’t. You need to go there. Smirk. Laugh. Feel superior. You know you are.

For the record: there is no “A” in definitely.

Image created in Wordle using the text of this post.

Technorati Tags: grammar, English, word usage, word misusage, Wordsplosion

February 8, 2008

Lance kills a pig

I couldn’t let Lance play with toys when Buddy was around. I had toys for both of them. Lance has always liked to play with toys. Buddy didn’t, but he was the boss and didn’t want Lance to have anything that he didn’t have. I tried giving them different toys at the same time, but it made no difference. Buddy would go all alpha and try to take Lance’s toy, too and they would fight. Injuries were minor, but there was a little bloodshed. Buddy would win and would then tuck both toys into his bed and plop down on top of them. I would take the toys as soon as they both calmed down and that was the end of that. I tried a few times over the years to get Buddy to have better manners, but he just wasn’t interested.

Now that our old pal is gone it’s just me and Lance. It occurred to me that the toy battle problem didn’t exist anymore, so I’ve been having play sessions with Lance each evening. His favorite toy is a canvas pig with a squeaker inside (which excites him much more than HDMI switches would.) I squeeze it once to get the first half of the squeek out, then toss it across the room. The second squeal comes out as the pig is flying. Lance pounces on it then hops on the sofa to give it back to me so I’ll throw it again.

Unfortunately, the pig has a soft fabric nose that seems to need chewing. (This reminds me that I used to date a man who operated a family business making hogshead cheese. They used pig snouts. Just pig snouts. I don’t eat hogshead cheese.) After a few minutes of fetch Lance decides that a new game is in order. Kill the pig! Last night he got away from me and made it to the rug by the front door. By the time I got there the pig was thoroughly dead.

Like any thoughtful hunter, Lance only kills what he intends to eat. He proceeded to gut the pig in preparation for his feast. He only abandoned his task when a dog biscuit with his name on it was presented.

I brought home new prey today. I thought it was shaped like a blob. Looking at it now I think it’s actually a man. A Big Brute of a man with a squeaker in his belly. He’s made of a tough canvas-like nylon and has no soft spots, but I’m worried about the durability of his seams. We’ll find out tonight if he can survive beagle attack, or if Lance, the mighty hunter, will work his way up the food chain.

Technorati Tags: beagle, dog, dog toys, hunting dogs

August 15, 2007

Don’t laugh! Do not laugh!

I dare you. Try not to crack a smile. Don’t even think of laughing. Hah! You can’t do it, but that’s okay. Some things in life exist just to make us all happy. This is one of them.

Mahalo and a hat tip to Tee over at Spilt Milk for finding it first.

Technorati Tags: baby, fun, laughing, YouTube

August 5, 2007

Mr. Fab’s cure

I have to say that I’m disappointed in the response to my plea on behalf of Mr. Fab and his sanity. Where are the hoards of sycophants friends who flock around him like flies to yesterday’s fish? Many seek his favor, but only the few have answered the call on his behalf. Jade and Cass stepped up, but the rest of you have failed your friend in his hour of need. Compassionate strangers on the streets of Waianae (above) have posed their posteriors for this man they know nothing about. Yet you, who know him best and claim him to be dear to your hearts, have withheld your support. Shame! Shame on you, you seekers of favors, you brown of nose! He gives so much. Can you not do this small thing to accomplish a noble goal? While it is undeniable that Colleen has a sweet ass, His Fabulousity has become so focused on that one point that his already fragile hold on reality threatens to shatter. Your friend needs you. Do the right thing, I implore you!

Despite your callous disregard in the face of my previous plea, I humble myself before you yet again in supplication. The task at hand is not overly burdensome. First, do not under any circumstances give in to the pressure to place the phrase Colleen has a sweet ass on your blog. I know that it is hard to deny the Fabulous One anything, but you must, in this one instance, overcome the desire to please him. Banish the words Colleen has a sweet ass from your consciousness. Don’t even allow yourself to think them. Secondly, show your ass. Insist that our Fabulous but friable friend gaze upon a bounty of buns, thus being forced to accept the reality that an ass is just an ass.

Put your ass on the line. He’d do it for you.

Technorati Tags: ass, ass-obsession, Colleen has a sweet ass, insanity, mental health, Mr. Fab

August 4, 2007

Mr. Fab’s obsession

The truth has a way of showing itself. Sometimes you have to dig a little and maybe get your hands dirty, but if you keep chipping away you’ll eventually find what you’re looking for. What I’ve been looking for is the reason behind Mr. Fab’s aberrant behavior. Don’t get me wrong. He’s a nice guy and a talented artist (if you happen to like that kind of stuff,) but those of us who care for him know that he’s got a sick streak a mile wide. I’ve spent many a restless night tossing and turning, worrying that the guys in a the white coats are going to show up soon and haul him away. His fans are legion and don’t want to lose him, but what are we to do? He, himself, has provided ample proof that he is indeed a sick bastard and probably a danger to society. His insanity is so well documented that there can be no denying it, but does that mean he should be locked away? Well, probably, but suppose we could find the reason for his sicko behavior and cure him? The judge at his insanity hearing would then rightfully conclude that his season of madness had passed and would have to allow him to retain his freedom, right? Barring proof of his sanity, our only alternative seems to be a bribe, and, quite frankly, I’m not sure we could raise enough. Sure, there are many fans of His Fabulousness, but you’re a pretty tight-fisted bunch. By show of hands, how many of you would be willing to match my donation of $7.31? Yeah, that’s what I thought. And the judge would probably want at least forty or fifty bucks for such a back-alley deal, so that’s hopeless. Thus the search for a cure.

I’ve wasted a lot of time invested a lot of hours trying to find the root cause of Fab’s psychosis. It’s been a troubling journey, driving me almost to the brink of madness myself, but my genuine passion for the task helped me maintain my focus and step back from the precipice whenever I was in imminent danger of falling into that black abyss. The evidence I’ve accumulated is too darkly disturbing for publication in such a public forum, so you’ll just have to take my word for it that this goes much deeper than any of us realized. (If you really insist on documentation, it’s available, but really - it’s just too horrifying. Don’t expose yourself to it. Besides, if you can’t come up with $7.31 to save Fab’s ass, I’m pretty sure you won’t invest $49.00 for the professionally indexed, scholarly study that details his descent into darkness. PayPal, credit cards and cash accepted, no guarantee as to reliablity of the information contained therein, no refunds under any circumstances.) Suffice it to say that it all became moot yesterday when Fab himself revealed the answer, and, with it, the key to a cure.

It all comes down to his pathalogical obsession with Colleen’s sweet ass. He’s kept it a deep, dark secret until now. Well, he might have mentioned it, but he certainly never let on just how obsessive his fantasy was until it all came spewing out in his pathetic bid to enlist us all as cohorts. DO NOT BE FOOLED! You will not be helping him by adding the nonsensical phrase Colleen has a sweet ass to your blog. You’ll be doing more harm than good if you succumb to social pressure and do his bidding. He must be cured of his obsession. Do not reinforce his alternate reality by repeating that vapid phrase Colleen has a sweet ass. JUST DON’T DO IT! He must be made to see the truth, that an ass is just an ass. Only then will he be able to turn away from his obsession and begin to live his life in the real world, where Sculpey does not need to bleed to be amusing. Resist! Resist, I implore you, in the name of all that is right and good! Do not, under any circumstances, fuel his fantasy that Colleen has a sweet ass!

There is one more thing we all need to do to help restore our sweet, Fabulous friend to sanity. It will be painful and require personal sacrifice, but it’s a small price to pay for such a dear friend. I’m stepping up to the plate as an example to you all that it is a survivable trauma. In order to slam home the point that an ass is just as ass we need to bombard our friend with the evidence. Would you do this for such a worthy cause? Please? Just this once? Show your ass.

See, Fab. Repeat after me. An ass is just an ass.

Technorati Tags: ass, ass-obsession, Colleen has a sweet ass, insanity, mental health, Mr. Fab

Hee! Fun stuff!

Doodle by Lee. The code for this doodle and other doodles you can use on your blog can be found at Doodles.

Doodles definitely need a place on my daily rounds! I’m adding this Lee to my list of favorite artists, previously peopled only by the other Lee, who did my banner art, Escher and Ron Gonsalves . Go! Read! Have fun! Laugh! Mahalo, Lee, for making me chuckle!

Technorati Tags: art, blogging, cartoons, humor

June 27, 2007

Jantics

Okay, I’ve had my arm twisted. I don’t really think Janna over at Jantics is funny, but I was asked nicely, so I’ll write about her. I’ve never peed myself laughing while reading her posts, not even when she wrote the one about the angry mimes with spaghetti tongs and a ferret. For pity’s sake, the woman talks to pudding. Maybe because her brain is jello and they’re related? She such a namedropper, too. Dr. Phil, Oprah, Orlando Bloom, C3PO and Goofy all in one post? The woman is just all over the place. I don’t think even an IBM memory could possibly contain all of the bits and pieces she throws out. We should sit up and take notice? I’m so unimpressed. Janna doesn’t even possess the grace and skill to figure skate. I’ve been doing that since I was in diapers. I’ll bet she can’t ride a bike either. No talent. She’s just got nothing going on at all. Well, except that she’s got a good supply of dark chocolate-covered orange slices. I go for the chocolate. Yeah, that’s it. That’s why I keep going back. Not the humor. Not the charm. Certainly not the sharp wit. Go on over there and see if I’m not right. Eat some chocolate while you’re there.

I was right, right? She didn’t make you laugh, did she? Did you bring me back some chocolate?

Disclaimer: I am not doing this because I’m in denial about a secret crush on Janna. I’m doing it because I have a thing for Mr. Fabulous and I don’t care who knows it. I fanatasize about having him as my figure skating partner in the next Olympics. In a grass skirt. Laugh at me if you want. Just don’t laugh at Janna. She’s not funny.

Technorati Tags: blogs, humor, reviews

May 10, 2007

Logic?

My cousin sent the above picture in an email. I have to agree with the sentiment that was expressed. What exctly is the point of the hemets?

Technorati Tags: humor, risk-taking, photos